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Jokes: Four items selected from a larger,
personal collection (the rest being in Norwegian)
It is a bit of a shame to take the jokes
below out of the context in which they appear in the collection from which
they are taken, but what can I do? Here we go: A Lufthansa aircraft on its way to the US was forced
to make an emergency landing on the water. A voice sounded over the intercom
(with a heavy German accent, including ‘v’ for ‘w’, ‘f’ for ‘v’, a throaty
‘r’ and ‘z’ in stead of ‘th’):
‘Ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, vee haf had
to land on the ze water. Please stay calm, and
listen carefully. Zose of you who can swim,
please walk out on ze right wing, and zose of you
who can not swim, please walk out on the ze
left wing.’ When everybody had followed
the instruction there came another one: ’Zank you. Now, for zose on ze right wing, New York is one zousand miles to ze west. And for zose
on ze left wing – zank you for flying Lufthansa!’ The next one I
heard from philosophy professor Dan Wikler when he visited me in Oslo in
2005. An ordinary guy from Dans home state Kentucky was walking around on
campus at Harvard University. He stopped a man passing by and asked (with a
heavy Southern drawl): ‘Excuse me, sir, but could you please tell me where
Harvard Yard’s at?’ The other man,
being a distinguished professor, hesitated. ‘Well, my good fellow,’ he said
after a moment. ‘Here at Harvard we do not usually
end sentences with a preposition.’ ‘Oh, is that a
fact!’ exclaimed the visitor. ‘Well, I’ll rephrase myself then. Could you
please tell me where Harvard Yard’s at, asshole?’ Perhaps somewhat
surprisingly, the following one was told me by a
lady (from New York) more than fifty years ago: Little Red Riding Hood is
walking through the woods one day. The big, bad wolf appears before her, snarling
‘Little Red Riding Hood, I’m gonna eat you, eat
you, eat you!’ Little Red Riding Hood puts her hands on her hips and
mockingly tips her head from side to side (spill ut).
‘Eat, eat, eat! Doesn’t anyone around here fuck anymore?’ The last one is
my all time favourite. I
heard it from a young man that I hitchhiked with in Tampa, Florida, in 1971.
I almost fell out of the car and am still laughing: Nasty Ned is a
mean kid. He does bad things and uses dirty language all the time. One day at
school, the teacher wants to see if the children can come up with words
beginning with different letters in the alphabet. She starts with ‘A’ – and
Nasty Ned’s got his hand up! He’s got
a word beginning with ‘A’! But the teacher is sure he’s going to say
‘asshole’ and she won’t have that in front of the others, so she lets Mary
have a chance and Mary says apple¨. ‘Very good, Mary.’ The teacher goes on to
‘B’ – and again Nasty Ned raises his hand, but she’s sure he’s going to say
‘bitch’ or ‘bastard’, so she lets Peter have a go instead, and Peter says
‘baseball’. Very good again. The teacher continues with more letters – all
the while ignoring Nasty Ned’s repeated waving – and after some time comes to
‘R’ – and Nasty Ned’s got his hand up again, and this time he’s the only one
in class who has his hand up. The teacher pauses for a few seconds
and she can’t think of any dirty word beginning with ‘R’. So
she let’s Nasty Ned have a chance, and Nasty Ned
says: ‘Rats! Big,
fuckin’ rats (hold your hands in front of you 30-40 centimeters apart)
with dicks as long as this!’ |
